I've been away from “blogging” for a little bit, I became
sceptical and I began to second guess myself .....
In
this article I want to talk about something that’s been sitting on my heart for
a while, and that’s DEPRESSION and HEARTBREAK. I've been quite anxious to talk
about this because to be quite honest it’s something that I would've liked to
have kept to myself and to have dealt with by myself, but then I realise that that is not healthy and I'll never know who may read this.
I believe (without diagnosis), that I was depressed for a good part of last year all the way until quite recently. I had no direction, ambition or enthusiasm for life what so ever. It was a very dark and lonely feeling. It was full of insecurity, anxiety and anger. Long story short there was a guy I fell in love with, I gave my heart much too soon and invested more feelings than I should have and my heart was broken. I was so depressed and hard on myself. My mother was going through cancer, whilst she was in a abusive relationship and there was a lot of tension between myself and my house mates.
All of this in turn had affected my university work and my health. I didn't want to see the world, I didn't want to talk and I just wanted the covers to shelter me from all the sorrow that was surrounding me. It was a very dark and very bewildering time. I was very angry and I was very scared, but not many would have ever known because most of all I was ashamed, so I put on a brave face whilst thoughts were racing through my mind.
I was ashamed that I was breaking down, It’s taken me a while to not be so ashamed of myself but then I realise it happens to all of us. I had to learn that being strong doesn't mean putting on a brave face, it doesn't equate to aggression, it doesn’t mean avoiding your life by drinking and partying it all away.
To be strong means that you’re still standing, that’s all it requires. Even if there are tears running down your face, even if there is fear in your heart and the whole world turns their back, you are still standing and I don’t mean literally I mean figuratively. The fact that you woke up the next day means you’re still standing, the fact that you even rolled out of bed that day and had a shower means that you’re still standing, do you see what I’m getting at?
I realised that strength is not this big Olympic struggle, all it takes is faith. Faith as small as a grain of salt, that is all that is required of you. It was hard but it wasn’t impossible. Its only now, that I’m beginning to grasp the art of controlling my emotions, for a long time I pleaded with my heart to become cold but then I realised that I had to learn to disassociate my feelings from my situations. I realised that I had to reclaim my happiness, not "find it" but "reclaim it".
At first I was like “why should I smile when there’s nothing to smile about?”,
“what is there to be happy about if my life is crumbling before me?”
It then dawned on me that happiness is a birth right, it’s not a reward, it’s not a blessing, it’s not even an emotion. It is our birth right! Were born happy, for instance look at a 6 month old baby, their world is full of joy and discovery, right? We were all like that once, right? So to re-apply that same ethos to our lives 20 years down the line, simply rediscover the art of “discovering”.
Separate yourself from the things that you “thought” made you happy. For example, the most random of things encouraged me when I was down and that was “bird song”, yes that’s right, it’s so random but it makes so much sense to me now. I used to get annoyed by it and tell them to “shut up” from underneath my duvet because my precious sleep was being disturbed. Hearing them against the morning breeze suddenly made me smile, even if it was for a second, it still brought a moment of joy to my heart. Why?
Well they wake every morning no matter if there’s rain, snow, sunshine and they sing. They sing the prettiest and most melodic of songs to God. They've been shooed and persecuted the day before. However it doesn't matter, they will still wake up and sing. No matter their surroundings or existing circumstance they still lift their head to heavens.
To me that was incredibly encouraging and amazing, in my darkest moments that kept me going. It seriously, hands on heart, kept me going. So instead of writing imaginary lists of things that I believe should bring me happiness I began to look around me and find what can make me happy and I began to hold onto that. So even when my world crumbles, a boy breaks my heart, my mother is unwell or my friends turn their backs.
I look to little, tiny, itty, bitty, weensy things that warm my heart and extend the feeling. Oh and before I conclude I learned another useful technique that I’d love for you guys to try out and that is to close your eyes and think of something that makes you smile, it has to be something that you love, it could be anything.
Thought of something? Ok, now whilst this is on your mind place your hand over your heart and then imagine your heart glowing and becoming warm (as if you’re warming your hands at a fire place)Once you’re in this state of mind, keep your hand there and keep this frame of thought until you find yourself feeling peaceful. This technique is a unique way of training your heart to override the negative with the positive, so every time you feel down, try this technique.
So to conclude, we are all susceptible to depression, it is isn't something to be ashamed of, it’s simply something that we can overcome, I'm not a doctor and obviously serious depression deserves medical attention, but the mild blues isn't a “forever situation”, try and find your “bird song” and understand there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I believe (without diagnosis), that I was depressed for a good part of last year all the way until quite recently. I had no direction, ambition or enthusiasm for life what so ever. It was a very dark and lonely feeling. It was full of insecurity, anxiety and anger. Long story short there was a guy I fell in love with, I gave my heart much too soon and invested more feelings than I should have and my heart was broken. I was so depressed and hard on myself. My mother was going through cancer, whilst she was in a abusive relationship and there was a lot of tension between myself and my house mates.
All of this in turn had affected my university work and my health. I didn't want to see the world, I didn't want to talk and I just wanted the covers to shelter me from all the sorrow that was surrounding me. It was a very dark and very bewildering time. I was very angry and I was very scared, but not many would have ever known because most of all I was ashamed, so I put on a brave face whilst thoughts were racing through my mind.
I was ashamed that I was breaking down, It’s taken me a while to not be so ashamed of myself but then I realise it happens to all of us. I had to learn that being strong doesn't mean putting on a brave face, it doesn't equate to aggression, it doesn’t mean avoiding your life by drinking and partying it all away.
To be strong means that you’re still standing, that’s all it requires. Even if there are tears running down your face, even if there is fear in your heart and the whole world turns their back, you are still standing and I don’t mean literally I mean figuratively. The fact that you woke up the next day means you’re still standing, the fact that you even rolled out of bed that day and had a shower means that you’re still standing, do you see what I’m getting at?
I realised that strength is not this big Olympic struggle, all it takes is faith. Faith as small as a grain of salt, that is all that is required of you. It was hard but it wasn’t impossible. Its only now, that I’m beginning to grasp the art of controlling my emotions, for a long time I pleaded with my heart to become cold but then I realised that I had to learn to disassociate my feelings from my situations. I realised that I had to reclaim my happiness, not "find it" but "reclaim it".
At first I was like “why should I smile when there’s nothing to smile about?”,
“what is there to be happy about if my life is crumbling before me?”
It then dawned on me that happiness is a birth right, it’s not a reward, it’s not a blessing, it’s not even an emotion. It is our birth right! Were born happy, for instance look at a 6 month old baby, their world is full of joy and discovery, right? We were all like that once, right? So to re-apply that same ethos to our lives 20 years down the line, simply rediscover the art of “discovering”.
Separate yourself from the things that you “thought” made you happy. For example, the most random of things encouraged me when I was down and that was “bird song”, yes that’s right, it’s so random but it makes so much sense to me now. I used to get annoyed by it and tell them to “shut up” from underneath my duvet because my precious sleep was being disturbed. Hearing them against the morning breeze suddenly made me smile, even if it was for a second, it still brought a moment of joy to my heart. Why?
Well they wake every morning no matter if there’s rain, snow, sunshine and they sing. They sing the prettiest and most melodic of songs to God. They've been shooed and persecuted the day before. However it doesn't matter, they will still wake up and sing. No matter their surroundings or existing circumstance they still lift their head to heavens.
To me that was incredibly encouraging and amazing, in my darkest moments that kept me going. It seriously, hands on heart, kept me going. So instead of writing imaginary lists of things that I believe should bring me happiness I began to look around me and find what can make me happy and I began to hold onto that. So even when my world crumbles, a boy breaks my heart, my mother is unwell or my friends turn their backs.
I look to little, tiny, itty, bitty, weensy things that warm my heart and extend the feeling. Oh and before I conclude I learned another useful technique that I’d love for you guys to try out and that is to close your eyes and think of something that makes you smile, it has to be something that you love, it could be anything.
Thought of something? Ok, now whilst this is on your mind place your hand over your heart and then imagine your heart glowing and becoming warm (as if you’re warming your hands at a fire place)Once you’re in this state of mind, keep your hand there and keep this frame of thought until you find yourself feeling peaceful. This technique is a unique way of training your heart to override the negative with the positive, so every time you feel down, try this technique.
So to conclude, we are all susceptible to depression, it is isn't something to be ashamed of, it’s simply something that we can overcome, I'm not a doctor and obviously serious depression deserves medical attention, but the mild blues isn't a “forever situation”, try and find your “bird song” and understand there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
To get you started here's the cutest thing ever ....
